Relationship rescue - Step 3
Anthony Robbins speaks about these basic human emotional needs:
Love / Connection
We all need to have love in our lives and feel connected to each other somehow. It is the sense of belonging. To love and to be loved.
We need to have certain things in our lives which are guaranteed. We need to feel secure and be able to know that some things don’t change no matter what.
As much as we need some things to be certain and always be the same, we also need variety. We need change. For some people going to different places every now and then or eating a different meal is enough. For others a total life change every few years is needed to keep them engaged in the feeling of being alive. They may need to change houses, relationships, jobs or even countries more often than most other people would.
The need to feel important and significant, like we matter. People will go to great lengths to achieve significance. Lying, boasting, fighting and teasing are only some of the many ways that we get significance by putting other people down to make ourselves feel better. In relationships especially, couples often “bicker” in order to be “right”, which gives them a feeling of significance. The catch 22 is that the harder 2 people fight for significance, the less either of them have it. In fact, the more you give it away, the more of it you get. Think about that one carefully. If you make an effort to make others feel good about themselves, you feel better about yourself.
The need to become something more. In some people this need is very strong, in others it is very weak. In successful people you will often find that this need is one of their top 2. They constantly need to strive for something better, to become better people, to become more knowledgeable and to keep growing. Others are happy doing the same thing all their lives, barely getting by and just carrying on from one day to the next. If you are not growing, you are dying.
This one goes hand in hand with love and connection. It also brings a feeling of belonging and being a part of something. You feel important when you contribute towards something. You feel needed. Everyone needs to be needed to some degree.
Top 2 needs
Everybody has 2 top needs. Out of these 6 basic emotional needs, for everyone there are 2 that stand out above the rest and the order that they line up in is just as important. If your top need is certainty and your second one is love and connection, you will need financial stability before you are able to show love to your partner. If they are the other way around, you will be able to have a good relationship despite having financial difficulties.
If your top needs are variety and growth you will probably need to travel often, do adventurous things, read many books and have many life experiences. If your partner cannot do that with you, you will be unhappy and unfulfilled.
If significance is very important to you, you may always be trying to prove yourself by being better, being right or being important, which, if seeked in the wrong way, can be very destructive to any relationship.
Anything that meets 2 or more of our needs can become addictive. For example..alcohol…it gives you connection (all your friends are drinking), certainty (that you will feel relaxed), variety (different tastes or experiences) and significance (the more you drink, the more you lose your inhibitions and you feel stronger). You can see how alcohol easily meets 4 of our basic needs. It is no surprise that it can be so addictive…..but it will only be something you desire excessively if it meets these needs more than anything else in your life does. We will always do the things which meet our needs the most! Now that you know that, you can make an effort to create a relationship where your needs are met and your partner’s needs are met so that it is not seeked elsewhere. So even if your partner is cheating or has cheated on you it is because their needs are not being met (remember what’s important to you is not the same as what’s important to them). Even if they choose their work or their social life over you, it is because their needs are being met more there than with you. The key is to figure out what their top needs are and how you can meet them more than anything else can. This is a crucial part of a successful relationship.
The secret to a happy relationship is to satisfy each other’s needs.
There are 3 levels of relationships:
1) Only being concerned about your own needs
2) I’ll meet yours if you meet mine
3) Concerned about meeting the other person’s needs. This is the only scenario where a long, happy, lasting relationship is possible.
I urge you to really think about these questions. This is really important so don't rush through it and give half answers. Remember...this is for your future!