Relationship rescue - Step 4

Masculine vs Feminine

A man’s heart is programmed to fall in love when he is giving and a woman’s is to fall in love when receiving. That is just the way our mental programming works.

This still rings true even when men have a lot of female energy and women have a lot of male energy.

When both partners have majority female energy (no matter what their actual sex is) the relationship will be about a lot of feelings, sensitivity, creativity and sensuality. If both parties have more male energy they will not be very in touch with their emotions, there will be a lot of butting of heads, seeking control and competing with one another.

Therefore in order to make a relationship work optimally, one partner has to harness their female energy more and one partner has to harness more male energy more. This means that one partner has to be the leader and the other has to be the follower. A team of two cannot have two leaders and it cannot have two followers. It needs one of each else there will either be constant fighting or constant whining. This does not mean that the follower will never be the leader and that the leader will never be the follower. Sometimes the roles will be reversed but ultimately male energy is designed to give and female energy is designed to receive.

In this day and age where women are taught to compete with men and to be strong and self-sufficient it is easy to lose your female energy and to become the leader in the relationship. Women like to organize, get things done, take charge, make plans, steer the household and manage their husband and the kids. I have come across so many relationships where the woman complains about doing everything and resents the man for not helping enough or for not doing enough in the relationship and in the household.

What has happened here is that the woman has taken on too much masculine energy, depriving the man of his masculine energy and his manliness. He will probably become demotivated and feel worthless, not good enough and ultimately, like a failure. He will get to a point where he will think “Why should I try if I am going to fail anyway?” That is when a relationship hits troubled waters.

I hear you ladies! I hear you saying that if you don’t do everything then nothing will get done. We will get to that in a minute.

What men need

What women think men want are often the very things that push them away.  We think men want a sex goddess, a best friend, a passionate lover or a super model when in reality they don’t want any of that in the long run.

 When love isn’t going our way, most of us women want to spring into action and have a plan to make things better or to give him one of these things that we think he wants. We mistakenly think about love as a checklist, that if we do the “right things” and act in the “right way” a man will see what an amazing woman we are and how lucky he is to have us, and then he’ll fall – and stay – deeply in love forever.

We focus on making him happy, losing weight, pretending to like sports (or whatever else he likes), stuffing down our displeasure or discomfort, or being agreeable and going with the flow…

We find ourselves working to “prove” we are the woman he should love, and all our doing, managing and convincing are the very things that repel him and prevent him from connecting with us. All our efforts accidentally push love away because a man doesn’t fall in love based on logic or what he should feel. He’ll either feel it for you, or he won’t and he’ll “feel it” for you only when you stop focusing on checklists and pretending, and start focusing on your heart and your feelings.

Men fall in love with our hearts and  a man will only fall in love if you are brave enough to show him who you really are and how you really feel. He wants to feel turned on-sexually, emotionally and romantically but he also wants to feel completely safe to be himself. He wants to feel 100% accepted and loved for who he is.

If you show him you’re in touch with your heart and express yourself - fully and fearlessly - he will feel safe to be himself around you, too. Deep intimacy will happen and he’ll fall in love without even knowing why it’s happening. That’s why you can’t use your logic, actions or intellect to connect with him, and he can’t “think” his way into loving you. Only when you’re comfortable in your own skin and in your own heart and soul will you light his heart on fire.

Learning how to connect with a man’s heart is much, much easier than all the pretending, managing and analysing that you’ve been doing to get love and affection. In fact, love doesn’t have to require “work“ at all. It can be absolutely effortless. All it takes are some very simple shifts in your words and body language.

Men feel their way into and out of relationships. If they feel you are the one then they will tolerate a hell of a lot to stay in the relationship. Women think their way in out of relationships. Women think about him being a good father, what his potential is, what he would be like to get old with. Women then convince themselves into or out of a relationship depending on what they are thinking.

Here is where the trick comes in. When a relationship has too much masculine energy it tends to stand still. The woman will be waiting for the man to pop the question for years on end or the marriage will get stale, or the passion disappears. The key is for the woman to harness her feminine energy (even if you are not a girly girl). For us independent, do it yourself, strong women this can be real challenge. If you can go as far as having your nails done and wearing a nice dress that would be great (for us “tomboys” that is just plain painful and goes against our very grain). But what is more important is to embrace the feminine energy of allowing and receiving. Stop controlling and allow. Allow life to happen without controlling the outcome, allow your man to make some decisions, allow him to express himself and be vulnerable (without calling him a wimp). Don’t try to change or control him, stop yourself before you criticize, judge, question or warn him and allow yourself to trust and respect him for whatever reasons you can come up with. This is what will change his ways towards you completely. This is how you get the ring on the finger, the desire in his eyes and the love in his heart.

Men need trust, respect and appreciation.  The way men perceive this is different to the way women experience it.

  • Men feel trusted when they are given control without being questioned, cross examined or watched.
  • Men feel respected when they are honoured for who they are.
  • Men feel appreciated for things that they do. Men are all about doing, where women are all about feeling. When a woman shows that she enjoys being around her man and tells him how much she enjoys being around him, he feels valued and appreciated. If you make him feel like nothing he does is right, the relationship will surely fail.

A man will only open up if he feels these 3 things. The more you deny him that, the more he will shut down and push you away. A man doesn’t want to be managed and controlled. He wants to be accepted and respected for who he is and he wants to feel like he has the ability to make you happy.

When you criticize and manage, he feels like he’s failed. He stops feeling safe to be around you and begins to loose attraction to you.

Women often feel like they have to control the relationship, how it operates, where it’s going, what gets done, etc. The key is to give up being the one who knows what’s going on, give up being the explainer, the teacher, the reasonable one and the one with all the answers. Instead of trying to keep control over the relationship, rather aim for control over your choices.

The ultimate woman is so strong in herself and who she is that she doesn’t feel the need to control anyone but because her boundaries are so clear and well defined, anything outside of that is just not tolerated. She doesn’t need to control anyone, her mere presence allows and disallows for whatever she wants and her strength is like a magnet, making a man feel secure and powerful within himself.

What women need

What women need is a lighthouse. Women need their man to be the pillar of strength in their lives. They need to know that their man has got them no matter what. They need to know that he will be there for them and protect them against anyone and anything, even themselves.

One of the greatest experiences for a woman in a relationship is when their partner stands their ground in love and non judgement while she expresses her moods and feelings. He does not just tolerate her or run away, he is like a lighthouse that she can crash down upon that does not crumble at the first storm. That presence breaks through her mood and allows her to be so loved in that moment. Her trust and connection in him soars!

Women are constantly testing men which can be very confusing to both parties. When a woman “falls apart” all she really wants from her man is for him to show his strength, to hold her and to tell her it’s going to be ok. Even if its him she’s mad at. She needs him to look past that and see the pain, not the anger. She needs to trust that he is in control and that no wave, no matter how big, can knock him over. And she will keep testing him… over and over until she feels secure.

Here is where men fail miserably and relationships fall apart. Instead of being the lighthouse, men get confused and scared and run in the opposite direction, only proving to his woman that he is in fact not her lighthouse and she is left feeling alone, vulnerable, resentful and depressed.

Guys this is huge for women! I am telling you the secret of secrets here! You need to man up!

Women also need trust, respect and appreciation. Here is how women experience it differently to men:

  • Women need to be able to trust more than to be trusted. They need to know they can trust their man to be in control, not to fall apart when they are pushed and to be there for them no matter what.
  • Women need to feel respect more than they need to be respected themselves. When a man can do these things for her, she will respect him more than anyone.
  • Women feel appreciated when receiving. When a man gives a women love and affection and does everything in his power to protect her and be by her side, she feels ultimately appreciated.

Why does it hurt so much to lose a relationship?

When anyone who has been in your life for a long time or has meant something special to you is removed from your life it hurts. This does not only apply to romantic relationships but to anyone in general. Any relationship highlights parts of ourselves that we didn’t know were there and when that person is removed it feels like those parts are gone too and we feel like a lesser version of ourselves.

When we are dependent on others to make us feel good about ourselves we will always be in this situation. When we are strong in ourselves and in who we are, the trauma will be less and easier to work through.

Why couples give up

People give up when they feel like they are not being heard and a situation cannot be fixed. Often couples have tried everything they can and have discussed the problem in great detail before they give up. They just can’t get past it and both end up feeling devalued, lost and confused. Only, they have both fought so hard to be heard that neither was really listening to the other, resulting in not one of them being heard. If they could just listen, really listen, then they might find a way out.

What do you want your relationship to look like?

When the woman stops trying to control and manage her man and no longer being critical but rather appreciating him for all his good qualities, a shift occurs.

He begins to feel confident about making his woman happy and wants to make all her dreams come true. He is able to step up and be the man. He no longer feels like a child because she is no longer doing everything for him and telling him what to do. He becomes the lighthouse that his woman needs and the more strength she gets from him, the more trust and respect she can give him

When you really listen to one another, there is more sharing, more trust and more respect. It is a growing cycle that can lead to enormous happiness.

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